When I was young, sitting at my desk, an inherited mahogany piece, I would listen to two types of music, Enya who everyone practically listened to given her massive hit Caribbean Blue. The other genre was Gregorian music which originated in a purchase of Enigma. I recall a specific quote from the cassette tape. It was from a father X, church of Notre Dame, Paris (coincidentally Sebastian is watching Disney’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame – and I will finally start my private French lessons in two weeks time – coincidence or providence….it’s not for me to say)

Nevertheless the quote went as follow:

If you believe in the light, it’s because of obscurity.
If you believe in joy, it is because of sadeness.
If you believe in God, then you have to believe in the Devil.

I pondered on it a great deal, and ever since I held an uneasy relationship with our Lord.

Fast forward years later and I am watching the last episode of the first series of Penny Dreadful. Miss Ives walks into a church, and a boys choir sings o come o come Emmanuel.

She meets up with a priest, asking for an exorcism. The priest tells her that he, in fact, attempted an exorcism year ago. It did not go well. The boy he attempted to exorcise died, and never even found God.

The priest continues, “If you have been touched by the demon, it’s like being touched by the backhand of God. It makes you sacred, in a way. It makes you unique. There’s a kind of glory, the glory of suffering. Here’s my question: do you really want to be normal?”

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And so, listening once more to Enya’s version of the hymn, thinking back on where I stand today and those that left me behind, and where they are now…or not, I can’t help but finding my throat thickening, my eyes blurring if ever momentarily. And with that I don’t know what to believe anymore. Because belief cannot not blind.