Monthly Archives: November 2010

It’s not even mid week and I feel utterly exhausted. The word holiday has become my mantra, yet it’s as elusive as ever. Will we ever get away to some sunny place, where one can just forget about work (not to mention life!) and revamp oneself to 2.x? The words “NOT” and “BANKING” spring somehow immediately into mind.

For now we seem to be stuck with cold weather and snow (which isn’t so bad if you happen to come from Sweden…rather reminiscent of gluhwein and saffron bread coming to think of it).

Reinout made me a bath which I’ve soaked in for a good hour and a half whilst covered in a facemask smelling of peach and apples. Now attending some last emails before hitting the sack. Sleep never seemed so welcome.


Feel good stuff


Current book I’m reading


Lastly hot bath, candles and a glass of wine – the setting is complete

I was going through some of my recently taken pictures and came across an incredibly cute one of Reinout and Sebastian waiting at the hairdresser. Needless to say, it ends up on the blog. That and the statement that Reinout blurted out the other day…

Reinout: “Do you think I look younger when I have my hair cut short?”

Susanne: “Hmmm…perhaps, I mean yes….but why?”

Reinout: “Because I just came from the winebar and Vincent (the owner) said I look much younger now.”

Do I need to say more?


Super cute picture of Sebas and his dad


Reinout is working on his de-agingor at least Ton is 😉


Another cute family member (that loves posing)


With such a family it’s going to be interesting to see how Sebastian turns out 🙂

I set the alarm for 7.45. It’s my week to get back into a normal schedule. But as the hours went by, sleep doesn’t find me. Luckily my book does, as I’m reading the Murderer’s Daughters by RS Meyers (another one I’d absolutely recommend!).

Sleep does hit me sometime between 1.35 and 2 am. Only to wake up half an hour ago. I turn to reading the news and some emailing…. just to wake up gently. In a few moments the cleaning lady will be here, so mental note to myself to prepare for the laundry.

The room is filling with noise. Somewhere I have a vague feeling a bath is being made up. I pull the duvet even closer around my ears to block out the constant stream of aural input. I think it works for about half an hour. Then my husband wakes me up slowly. He’s whispering sweet words into my ear. I linger in bed just listening to him until something, which feels like a projectile rock, hits my head, then another one my side and a third one my back as I am covering for shelter.

I cry out in pain. It’s Sebastian of course who is up to his usual antics. As much as I love them on a Sunday afternoon, they don’t fit the morning routine. Especially not one that is the last relaxing one before a new week. I ask my husband if he minds if I go upstairs to sleep. He says he doesn’t. I have no idea what time it is, but the sun is blasting its rays through the bedroom windows.

I end up in a cool and slightly dark room on the north side of our house. Within minutes I have found myself a position to sleep in. It doesn’t take long though before Victoria comes upstairs and puts on her blasting music, which is amplified by the bathroom tiles. She is taking a shower when I come inside and turn down the music. We exchange a few angry words with eachother and I go back to bed. Just this time I can’t sleep. I’m too awake, so I lay in bed thinking about the last days, weeks, year…

I am not angry, but more disappointed in myself. I realise I have rather become my illness than fighting it. I go through every stratagem I’ve tried and failed, and somehow realise that the only way to fight it is to pretend it doesn’t exist. It might be more difficult said than done, especially when the muscle weakness sets in and the pain won’t go away. But still I think, it’s all in your mind, and whatever comes on your path, there is a way to deal with it. As with everything I take on, I rarely (truly) follow it through. So I can’t promise, just try. Every day. Perhaps it will change.

I feel a little better with this promise to myself and raise from bed. I call out for my family, but the house is quiet.

We were suppose to go out for a dinner tête-à-tête, but the universe had other plans alas… Perhaps it was that penis post (he got about 10 text messages querying hygiene issues and I suppose other things too) or the fact I fell asleep waiting for his imminent arrival. Who knows…the honest truth is I woke up at 8 pm to some cold pizza and Harry Potter on TV. Oh yeah, did some target shooting on trees in the park. Love it! Lara Croft here I come!


Girly moment with Victoria


Getting ready for dinner…I thought


When I started this blog, I wanted it to be an outlet for whatever popped up in my mind. It was my own little experiment. Could I really write about everything openly and honestly online? The first part was rather easy. Yes, you can write about anything. And from my own experience, the bolder you are, the less consequences. Of course there were times when I had to defend my blogging. How could I tell everything seemingly as is? What were the impact on my family and friends? “Little” was my reply.

However, when it came to honesty, the real honest truth, it was something different. There are moments which I am not so proud on, and others of embarrassment. I decided to omit these from the blog. But lately, I have this real urge to get back to basics. Where it all started…the girl (because I refuse to call myself a woman, although I KNOW Mark Jan that I am!), who just wanted to have fun, and experiment, and strengthen herself through putting it all out there.

Sorry for this little prelude but it is leading to somewhere, I can assure you…

Today 16:47

It’s been a rather hectic day. A lot of discussions on our new concept. At the end we were all pretty tired and as usual, on a Friday afternoon our conversations were drifting towards things entirely different. I don’t know how we all got there, but suddenly I had the urge to share a very private moment. So I blurted it out.

“Well once as I was going to give my husband a blowjob, I came in with an arsenal of babywipes to clean it up as it was too smelly.” I continued… “Perhaps it’s just a Swedish thing, but who wants to have a dirty dick in their mouth?”

H surprisingly agreed with me. “I don’t think it’s a Swedish thing, my wife does the same.”

I facilitated more information. “But my husband completely deflated when he understood my intentions. There was no more sex for at like a week.”

S completely understood my husbands feelings being hurt. “Every girl I am with has to accept me and my smells. If not it’s bye bye.”

We ended the conversation there as the laptops were wrapped up and people were ready to go. But the idea lingered on me. The Dutch (in comparison to the Swedish) are much more willing to accept smells, dirty handles and I suppose dirty penises too. I am convinced it must be a Swedish thing. It’s in our upbringing, in our genes. As we were little kids we were rigidly taught to wash our hands after the toilet, before dinner, when sneezing, and at all other occassions when bacteria was anywhere near. God forbid touching a waiting button on a stop light, or the pincode numbers when withdrawing money. Perhaps I have become close to phobic when it comes to smells and dirt, but is it really too much to ask for a clean penis?

We definitely have an ongoing trend with verbal arguments, walk outs and cold shoulders. In fact our house (lets not call it a home anymore *sarcasm*) is in a permanent perma-frost state. The times the sun is shining is doing little to melt the enormous iceberg.

Perhaps it’s my medication (I recently started taking something for my nerve pain, but they apparently act as a mild anti-depressant), but I find it almost hilarious. There are times I’m even making bets with myself how long this is going to last (now one might wonder would it be the current state or the relationship….I shall keep that one a closed secret).

Well husband left in a huff to his office to smoke a cigar. After that (as his office is often empty upon his late night work departures), I am not so sure. But then again, in my current cynical mood do I really care?

I’ve been dieting my whole life. I can admit to that. But I see it more as a way of life. Eat healthy, avoid sugar and work-out. So far so good. There have been times when I needed to loose weight…and fast. It was a friend of mine in highschool that introduced the Stewardess Diet. We were invited to a big party, and as 15 year olds, needed to shed pounds of puppy fat…or so we thought. I recall running up and down some high stairs in a nearby park, and at least clocking 6 km every day in order to fit into some Kokaai dress I had bought. It was a size too small and I had exactly 5 days to fit into it.

So we threw ourselves onto a crazy diet of half a grapefruit in the morning, 2 eggs for lunch and a steak and salad for dinner. No snack, only water, Coca Cola light, tea and coffee. We did shed the weight – about 4 kgs in 5 days. But it was hard work. And our starved bodies went havoc as we downed Champaigne and cocktails in consecutive order. I recall my friend throwing up in a public toilet, all over her sister’s designer dress. We we’re grounded for weeks as a result…

Occasionally when I needed to loose weight fast I’ve gone on this diet and it never failed. But as you grow older (and more sensible…although that is surely not applicable in my case), these fad diets rarely work when you need a lot of energy for work and family.

Still, I now have a Christmas party (Reinout keeps saying it’s only a drink), but I want to shed some weight to get into some of those dresses I bought years ago. I need exactly 3.5 kgs to loose, and I should be there. So as a compromise I’ve gone on a steak diet. Although omitting it for breakfast (I keep to an orange and coffee), I have steak for lunch and steak for dinner. It’s already worked wonders as I’ve lost 2 kgs so far. Almost half way, and another week to go…


Lunch was good, Entrecote with onion and apple

I’ve had planning meetings all day for a new project. It’s really exciting to see a new concept taking shape and the team coming together behind it. At 6 pm I was completely knackered and as I’m working from home nowadays went upstairs for what I thought was going to be a short nap. Turns out I wake up at 8 o’clock, just ready for dinner! Ah well, after a busy day I deserve it. I’m now on the couch with Victoria watching a film. What better end to the day could there be?


Victoria and I this afternoon. Mental note to schedule a girly day soon!