Monthly Archives: June 2009

Internal peace is finally descending upon me. It’s just me, my thoughts and my Mac. For once they are all happily united in a ménage à trois. Mostly they aren’t though, Me and my Mind don’t get a long, Mind and Mac don’t either, although having exchanged PC for Mac has somewhat improved the situation.  It’s a well know fact that I don’t have any sense for what’s technical. Mention the word developer and I’m at loss, add server to it and you have got yourself a situation. A down and out server is something I have been tampering with for days now. And as the non-techie I am I’m rapidly loosing grip of the situation. Luckily I called in Reinout for support. As the Jack-of-all-Trades he appears to be able to assess the situation in an instance.  A sense of relief fills me as his emails keep dropping in 11 at night. Typically they fill me with dread, knowing that he’s yet again challenged my inexperience, and ill-founded decisions. Sometimes… But this time I welcome his input and let him take charge.

On a different and much happier note, Victoria and I have been hunting frogs in our back-garden. What a wonderful past-time. Like there is nothing else in the world to do than hunting frogs. I forget all my server worries for a moment and let myself be consumed by the little creatures that have invaded our garden. Last night we did the same, and I came out the champion in frog catching. “I’m the champion, I’m the champion” I exclaimed, happy to at last have found something to be the best in.

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Hunting for frogs

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I’m on the train. It’s hot, stifling, and my top bares mark of thin lines of sweat. The day is digested in bit sized portions, events are mixed and matched in a seemingly random order. It’s one of those days, when I bare my emotions on the sleeve. There’s anger, hurt, frustrations…very little else really. Self contempt, yes absolutely. I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflecting train window. I automatically pull in my stomach and straighten myself a little, in an immediate response to the distorted image. I don’t like what I see, but at the same time I feel indifferent. Perhaps this is the onset of a downhill slope to middle age. Perhaps my peak has already been, and I will now wither away, shrivel until I become a dried immortelle, an ever lasting flower, devoid of both its fragrance and beauty.

I’m hit by an oppressive heat as I board the train. I look for a place, but everyone has a bag or a jacket placed next to them. I continue walking down the isle until I find a semi-free spot. The woman next to it, picks up the magazine that lays on the vacant space. I nod and smile. Inside of me, I feel relieved. Relieved to be left alone, in a corner without much notice. And so I perfectly blend in…

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Two days without a proper shower is starting to be noticed — I smell! My otherwise so sweet nickname, Stinky, has taken on a new meaning. It’s one thing to be called Stinky when in fact I smell like a fresh rose, but to be called Stinky when I am a stink-bomb is something else. I’ve tried showering with a black binliner around my legs that are still wrapped up after the vein removal, but it’s a rather complicated affair. So is sleeping, which is hot and sticky. My legs itch, especially where the little pieces of cotton are attached.

BUT all is not bad. I don’t have to go to the gym for one thing and this is a welcomed respite. A few months ago I was up every morning at 6 am, living on 5 hours of sleep. Those days are over now. I’m lucky if I’m up by 9 and even then I feel like a zombie. Next week I will start at Ex Machina again, so my schedule will have to become much more organised than it currently is. Despite a hectic life that is awaiting, I’m actually really looking forward to get back to work. It’s for 3 days a week, which gives me pleanty of time to work on my business and other priorities in life. More on that later…

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Smelly, filthy and no make-up….who would have thought!

No, not the breast enlargement, but I’ve had my visible veins removed. In a bid to stay young and erase all evidence of my pregnancy I put myself under the needle and had something unnatural injected into my veins. The result is apparently fantastic, or so the doctor told me, but so far I’m wrapped up in some VERY tight stockings. Reinout was amazed when he walked in on me in the kitchen with my latest outfit.

“You are not coming close to me. In fact you are sleeping upstairs until you have that removed.” He obviously doesn’t understand my need and desire to compete with all the young and beautiful girls in his surroundings. It’s a loosing battle, or perhaps more of a Pyrrhus victory, because whatever will be won shall be achieved at great expense of my dignity.

I am already planning my next moves. Teeth bleach, fake boobs and laser treatment in my face. After this, botox and face lift… As if I didn’t have other worries in my life…

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My legs in tight stockings

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Yesterday in my new Donna Karan lamb waistcoat

I’ve just finalised my action-list for tomorrow. Luckily a meeting got cancelled, creating a bit os space in my schedule. It’s a long list for tomorrow, but finally I start feeling we are getting into an operational routine. Anyhow, my eyes are so dry I can hardly see what I am writing. Time for bed…

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Somehow I think we are at our most brightest, shining vividly, like little stars in the universe, when we are facing hardships and obsticles. That’s when our minds are sharp yet full of dreams. This is what I’ve lost…or perhaps it’s just been numbed. I realize that as I haven’t been blogging for some time. On the surface, it’s because of lack of time, yet I believe there are other underlaying reasons. My mind hasn’t been drifting off to far places for sometime…and I miss it. Something changed, I became focused on other more worldly matters. But my quirky, so insignificant thoughts, about life, love, passion, people I meet and people I dream of….they’re not so far away. They kept popping up in the last weeks, so I must go on, I must write them down, as they come. So this is my return to my blog…Welcome back!